Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I'm unhappy ... Part 1 (Unedited ... Unfiltered ... whatever)

I wrote this back in December ... but I guess it's time to share it now.

For some reason I feel like this series is going to have a million posts associated with it.

The very first thing I'm going to say is ...

I'm unhappy, & I'm okay with it.

I guess a more accurate term would be I'm unsatisfied ... unfulfilled ...

I have a lack of motivation.

I'm okay with being unhappy, because 1. It's temporary ... 2. It's information about where I am in my process of maturing.

I moved out of my mom's house about 6 months ago ... and it was supposed to be this huge grandiose thing. Me declaring independence, having privacy and space to figure out who I am and what I want to become, being closer to my job(s), Hollywood, church, etc.

Yet, it sucks. I've never been more depressed in my life. By nature I am a planner. I have these plans, and think something is going to turn out one way, but when it doesn't it jacks me up man.

About 6 months ago, I quit a job teaching dance at an elementary school and I still go back and forth about whether or not that was the right decision. I NEED TO LET IT GO.

I'm generally a "happy" person ... Extremely optimistic, and can always see the best in a situation.

The most horrible part about this "funk" that I'm in, is that it's become something that is clouding my vision. I cannot see past the current situation I am in, although I know there is so much more ... and this is but a snippet of the entirety of my life.

My entire life I've lived to please others. My whole life.

For real.
It started when I was small ... I never wanted to get in trouble. I followed all the rules, always tried to be on my best behavior, did everything to make my family proud, tried to be the best at everything.

I'm angry.

I don't want to be this way. I'm so frustrated because it feels like I'm stuck in a rat race ... in a hamster wheel constructed of my own self doubt, my own fears, my lack of determination ... my unwillingness to follow my own dreams out of fear of making someone else upset. Now that I've written it out ... that sounds so stupid. I know all the cliché things to say ... "Follow your heart." "You have to live your life for you." "You can't please everyone, all the time." Yet as someone who has practiced perfectionism, and pleasing others for 25 years of life, I literally do not know how not to.

I don't know how.

I want to.

Really bad.

But when you know nothing else, how do you change? How do you transform? How do you become this amazing fearless individual who blazes their own trail?

Boldness. Boldness. Boldness.
I've always been bold when it comes to my personal appearance like ... shaving my head on my 24th birthday.



WHAT?! It's just hair, people. It grows back.

I want to have the same attitude toward life decisions ... toward packing up my life and moving to New York City ... about spending a year in Costa Rica ... about auditioning for an agent, about opening a business ... fear of making mistakes has become fear of making decisions. It's just LIFE, people. I guess it doesn't grow back, though.

I have so many ideas. So many dreams.
Along with those ideas have come so many fears, so many doubts, so many setbacks.
Also, I'm starting to confuse my dreams with others' dreams for me.

One thing I know to be true, I've had a blog for almost 6 years ... and I feel very compelled to be consistent with this one. That's all I've got, for now. That's all I can admit.

This post is not for pity, nor is it for unsolicited advice (especially if I see you in person, sorry I think it's kind of weird). I've found that writing is the best way for me to express myself, aside from movement ... and I just want to share.

Yet, I will most definitely appreciate any comments you'd like to leave in the comments section below!

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