that awkard moment when you realized you've only posted on your blog once this entire year.

2015 has been deep.
i self-edit a lot.
each time I think that I'm going to sit down and type something for ya'll (me) it never happens. this blog is a testament to that. also, i've been squandering a lot of my good content on twitter and facebook. so i have a billion published tweets with no published blog posts. gonna stop doing that fasho fasho.

so for 2016 ya'll have this to look forward to:
1) A book/blog series/vlog series/idk on how not to date by someone who is good at failing in the dating world.
2) An e-book on how to get your stuff together and say no to other stuff that's distracting you from doing the stuff you're supposed to be doing.
3) My youtube channel.
4) Observations, opinions, and otherness.
5) More dancing.
6) More Feliciaing.
7) Fitness videos/wellness tips, only if you want them.

Be great.

Peace,
Queen

I'm unhappy ... Part 1 (Unedited ... Unfiltered ... whatever)

I wrote this back in December ... but I guess it's time to share it now.
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For some reason I feel like this series is going to have a million posts associated with it.

The very first thing I'm going to say is ...

I'm unhappy, & I'm okay with it.

I guess a more accurate term would be I'm unsatisfied ... unfulfilled ...

I have a lack of motivation.

I'm okay with being unhappy, because 1. It's temporary ... 2. It's information about where I am in my process of maturing.

I moved out of my mom's house about 6 months ago ... and it was supposed to be this huge grandiose thing. Me declaring independence, having privacy and space to figure out who I am and what I want to become, being closer to my job(s), Hollywood, church, etc.

Yet, it sucks. I've never been more depressed in my life. By nature I am a planner. I have these plans, and think something is going to turn out one way, but when it doesn't it jacks me up man.

About 6 months ago, I quit a job teaching dance at an elementary school and I still go back and forth about whether or not that was the right decision. I NEED TO LET IT GO.

I'm generally a "happy" person ... Extremely optimistic, and can always see the best in a situation.

The most horrible part about this "funk" that I'm in, is that it's become something that is clouding my vision. I cannot see past the current situation I am in, although I know there is so much more ... and this is but a snippet of the entirety of my life.

My entire life I've lived to please others. My whole life.

For real.
It started when I was small ... I never wanted to get in trouble. I followed all the rules, always tried to be on my best behavior, did everything to make my family proud, tried to be the best at everything.

I'm angry.

I don't want to be this way. I'm so frustrated because it feels like I'm stuck in a rat race ... in a hamster wheel constructed of my own self doubt, my own fears, my lack of determination ... my unwillingness to follow my own dreams out of fear of making someone else upset. Now that I've written it out ... that sounds so stupid. I know all the cliché things to say ... "Follow your heart." "You have to live your life for you." "You can't please everyone, all the time." Yet as someone who has practiced perfectionism, and pleasing others for 25 years of life, I literally do not know how not to.

I don't know how.

I want to.

Really bad.

But when you know nothing else, how do you change? How do you transform? How do you become this amazing fearless individual who blazes their own trail?

Boldness. Boldness. Boldness.
I've always been bold when it comes to my personal appearance like ... shaving my head on my 24th birthday.

EVERYONE COMPLEMENTED ME BY SAYING,

"YOU ARE SO BRAVE!"

WHAT?! It's just hair, people. It grows back.

I want to have the same attitude toward life decisions ... toward packing up my life and moving to New York City ... about spending a year in Costa Rica ... about auditioning for an agent, about opening a business ... fear of making mistakes has become fear of making decisions. It's just LIFE, people. I guess it doesn't grow back, though.

I have so many ideas. So many dreams.
Along with those ideas have come so many fears, so many doubts, so many setbacks.
Also, I'm starting to confuse my dreams with others' dreams for me.

One thing I know to be true, I've had a blog for almost 6 years ... and I feel very compelled to be consistent with this one. That's all I've got, for now. That's all I can admit.

This post is not for pity, nor is it for unsolicited advice (especially if I see you in person, sorry I think it's kind of weird). I've found that writing is the best way for me to express myself, aside from movement ... and I just want to share.

Yet, I will most definitely appreciate any comments you'd like to leave in the comments section below!

This Is It

Why aren’t we living our dreams?
Why aren’t we walking our power?
Why aren’t we working our faith?

This question comes up for me almost every day. In the midst of attempting to find an answer, this passage written by Marianne Williamson often comes to mind:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Recently, when I see what my friends and peers are accomplishing, I become jealous. Not jealous of their success … but jealous for their ambition, because I know if I were half as ambitious as they are I too could achieve great things. I have the ideas the plans, the blueprint, I have vision, but no action. I have pages and pages full of intentions, inventions, businesses, services, and art … tucked away, nicely and neatly hidden from the world. Many times I feel like I have access to warehouse full of building material, yet remain homeless because I haven’t put the pieces together to build my dream home. As in the passage above, I have been afraid of my own light. Knowing that such greatness lies within me, and ACTING on it, means I accept the responsibility that comes along with it. Up until this point I haven’t been ready for it, which is why it has taken me almost six years to get fed up with myself enough to do something about it. I’m done hiding my greatness folks, and you should be too.

This is it, ya’ll. Forreal.

Queen School

I've been sharing my story with a few people ... About my decision to be intentionally single until God tells me different. No dating. No dinner. No movies. No late night phone calls. No texting after hours. I've deleted and blocked a few numbers from my phone. Not because "I'm done with men!", or the falsified idea that there is a "lack of eligible bachelors". I'm single because of growing up and maturity that needs to happen on MY END. I know that if someone walks into my life I want to be an ASSET to them, not a deficiency.

So right now I'm in what I like to think of as "Queen School". I am educating myself on what a Queen is - what she looks like, how she dresses, how she behaves, how she treats her husband and her family, how she raises her kids, how she handles her finances, all while maintaining her health, beauty and sanity. I'm PRUNING AND PREENING in order to mold myself into the QUEEN that a KING would be honored to have at his side. Sure, being single sucks ... But so does a pointless relationship. Yeah, I said it.

Some people think this is a bold choice. A bold decision. But the truth is, I know what I want and I know who I need to be and sacrifices have been made. Singleness is a time of reflection, self-discovery, empowerment and most importantly, healing. A time to really get to know yourself and LOVE YOURSELF. 

#QueenSchool #PruningAndPreening

*Please note that I said PRUNING ... Which means to remove the dead, useless, stuff. PREENING ... Cleaning, making attractive. MOLDING ... give shape to. THE QUEEN IS ALREADY IN ME, she just has to be revealed. She must be uncovered. She must be unhidden. I'm not adding anything to myself, queenship is innate within me. She is just waiting to be activated!

Blank Canvas.

As you all know, (or may not know) I've had a blog since 2009. You can find it by clicking here. But, I need to start fresh. I need a blank canvas. When you have something old and try to force the new upon it, the old begins to burst underneath the pressure of the new or the new seems to be tainted by the old. So I decided ... why not start anew. So here's to new beginnings. A new blog, with new ideas, and a new perspective on being a young woman in her mid-20s navigating through life. Enjoy.